


The Thunder and the Rain

by flightoftheseraph



Series: Supernatural Codas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Castiel and Sam Winchester are Jack Kline's Parents, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s14e02 Gods and Monsters, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Jack Kline, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-08-06 08:05:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16384361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightoftheseraph/pseuds/flightoftheseraph
Summary: Sleeping brought with it fear, terror and pain. Acrid smoke that choked his lungs. So real Jack would wake up coughing. The screams of horrific pain. That he couldn't even change, he had saved so many people, but it was never enough.Coda for 14.02





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Note** This very quickly became a venting story, after I was emotional watching Jack visit his grandparents and I just wanted to write out all the feelings I had after 14.02. The scene was so bittersweet and it damn near broke my heart to see Jack so heartbroken. I also felt that Jack's self-harming tendencies (especially from 13.23) were not really brought up or discussed so I wrote about them here.
> 
> I rarely write coda but this just sort of happened, I hope you enjoy it anyways ❤
> 
> Title is from **Sweet Child O' Mine** by Guns N' Roses

Jack wandered back to his room It was late at night. He had a blanket loosely wrapped around his shoulders. He did not want to sleep, but he had to.

Sleeping brought with it fear, terror and pain. Acrid smoke that choked his lungs. So real Jack would wake up coughing. The screams of horrific pain. That he couldn't even change, he had saved so many people, but it was _never_ enough.

When he was awake he just felt so helpless and useless, just like in his dreams. He couldn’t do anything useful without his powers and he was such a danger with them too.

Even when he tried to help, like today, all did was hurt and worry others. It seemed he could only cause pain, no matter what his intentions were. Jack’s heart ached. He tried so hard to be _good, just wanted to be good._

The fear and concern in Castiel’s eyes, is something that truly terrified in a way nothing else did. He wasn’t scared of him but frightened that he could cause such anguish. He never wanted to see Castiel that scared again. 

Jack shuts his eyes and draws his knees close to his chest. His eyes cloud with tears and he wipes them away. His eyes warm with unshed tears as he blinks they fall and his breathing hitches as he cries alone in the dark. 

Jack stares at his laptop and grabs the USB from the special place he keeps it in his room. Right next to the lamp by his bed. He watches the video again and blinks through the tears listening to his mother's comforting voice. The only piece of her he would ever have. Jack wipes the tears falling from his eyes now as he sobs. 

Castiel's word resurface, “ _there are worse things than to be kind_ ”, but Jack feels a burst if anger at himself. ? It has been selfishness. Pure _selfishness_. 

What if his grandparents suddenly begin looking for his mother? What if they spent countless hours waiting for a call that won't be returned to meet a grandson they won't ever get to know? 

Jack closes his laptop and tries to wipe the wetness from his eyes. The anger feels his chest and reaches for his grace and power on instinct, but it isn't there. 

Jack pulls at his hair. It's grounding the sharp pain and he takes his fist and swings into his chest, his collarbone and his ribcage. The pain is jolting. Each hit rattles his ribcage and it hits hard enough that he’s certain there will be bruises left behind, but he doesn’t care. The _pain_ is what he deserves, all he does is hurt people over and over again. It never _stops_. 

His mother would not be proud, she would be horrified by all the pain he’d caused others. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so- sorry,” Jack whispered in the darkness to no one, 

_All you do is hurt people, why do you keep **hurting** people! _ As he hits himself until it hurts to breathe. His ribs and chest throb angrily with sharp pains. 

_You’re useless, you are useless!_

_Stop hurting people_ , Jack whispers to himself in the dark. _I’m sorry I’m so **sorry**_ , he muttered. He couldn't even save anyone. With his powers he was danger to the world and without them he was useless.

Jack hiccups and coughs as he tries to calm himself down. He wants to forget today ever happened. His chest hurts and his heartaches and he wants more than anything to hug his mom even once last time. Jack coughs so hard he struggles to breathe, his chest is on fire. 

Jack wipes his eyes again, he remembers the headphones that Sam bought him. He remembers he was humming lullabies his mom had sang to before he was born. Sam had noticed and they’d even been able to find some of the songs that he could listen too. It was soothing, and Jack breathed deeply in an attempt to calm himself down. 

Jack wipes his eyes, his chest aches and he still huffs but as he places the headphones over his ears and begins to listen to calming music. He slowly drifts off to sleep, still sniffling as the reassuring and familiar melody calms him.

Jack pulls the blanket closer around his sore chest, his heart is heavy and he still sniffles in the quiet darkness. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Sam yawns. He’s startled to find it is in fact the early morning. His checks his phone, exactly 8:30 am to be exact. Sam groans, he’s _exhausted_. 

Most of the other hunters are milling about in various states, keeping an eye out for Michael's supercharged monsters. 

Sam has no clue how far the archangel has cast his net. They have been appearing all over the place and he and the other hunters had no idea what to do or what to make of it.

How many monsters he’s set against them. How many enemies they have. 

Sam runs his hands through his hair as he checks his phone again. So far there’s no recent news on Michael. He's got plenty of research ahead of him, plenty of hours spent scrubbing various books for any sign of what magic Michael could be using. Not to mention the fact that this spellwork is _literally_ from another world. 

Sam groans again and puts his head in his hands. As if on cue, his stomach gurlges.

He really should eat and it's definitely time for him to do a check in on Jack. Sam had thought it was best for him to be away from hunting for a little while, so last night he set Jack up in his bedroom with a movie on Sam’s laptop to watch. He hopes Jack was able to get some sleep after. Sam covers his mouth as he yawns again and- 

There's a loud crash from near the kitchen. Sam is on his feet in an instant and his hand flies to the gun at his waistband. He darts to the doorway, then peaks around the corner into the war room to check if it's safe before he walks towards the source of the noise. 

With slow steady footsteps Sam rounds the corner near the kitchen. The light is on. He hears a voice in a harsh, hush tone, so quiet he almost misses it. 

“You're so stupid! Why are you so clumsy!” 

_Jack?_

Sam presses his back to the round wall near the kitchen. Jack's back is to Sam. There's a mess of broken shards of glass and beer on the ground. Jack is shaking. He's hand in a closed fist as he strikes his chest. “You always mess up why are you so _stupid_!” 

Sam can only stand there in stunned silence as he watches Jack. He's careful - he doesn't want to scare Jack even more. 

Sam steps out into the doorway. He’s careful to keep his hands out in front of himself, somehow he feels like he’s back in the police station, trying to reassure Jack he’s not a threat. 

“Jack?” Sam says gently. 

Jack's head whips around, his eyes wide as he stares at Sam. He looks terrified. He freezes for several moments, before the words tumble out on top of one another. “I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make a mess, I'll clean it up, I promise!” 

Sam steps forward, his hands up in front of him. “It's okay Jack, you don't have to apologize.” Sam's body buzzes with adrenaline, but hands shake as he tries to figure out what to do. 

“Here,” Sam grabs more paper towels to clean up the split beer,. After he’s moped up the beer, he then begins to pick the larger pieces of glass, dumping the shards into the trash. 

Jack is sitting down at the table and has been watching with empty eyes as Sam silently cleans up the mess. 

Jack stares at the floor, avoiding Sam’s gaze. Sam swallows as he struggles to find the words, “Jack, what…. happened?”

Sam leans against the counter and faces Jack, who still doesn’t meet Sam’s gaze, seemingly holding back tears in frustration.

“I don’t know, it feels..right to do _it_ ,” Jack’s voice is lost.

“Jack….” Sam falters. He doesn’t know what to say. 

“All I do is make mistakes... I just keep getting things wrong. I couldn’t even kill Lucifer… or _Michael,_ ” Jack says, his breaths coming out in huffs. “Even without my powers, I still hurt people and I still mess up.” 

Sam looks at the floor. He knows that Jack has been struggling, but he didn’t know just _how_ dark he had truly gotten. He chastises himself for not noticing as he decides what to say next. 

“Jack, you can’t blame yourself for those things. It’s not your fault, nothing has been. You didn’t ask to be born with powers,“ Sam says, giving him a comforting smile. “You’ll make mistakes, but we’re here, _I’m_ here, to listen if you ever feel angry or upset - you can talk about it. _Please_ don’t hurt yourself.”

Jack nods numbly. Tears spill over and fall down his face and he sniffles. “I try to tell myself that, but-but I don't believe it. My mom is gone because of me… she _died_ because of me,”

Jack's chest heaves as he fights back tears and he begins hyperventilating. “I’ve hurt people..I’ve _killed_ people,” Jack says as he trails off. 

“Jack you know none of that was your fault, you’ve made mistakes. But you’ve also done a whole lot of good too. You can't keep holding the mistakes against yourself.” Sam says softly. 

Jack looks up holding Sam’s gaze as he continues. “Your mother believed in you, she knew you could be good and she was right.” Sam says. Jack eyes are clouding with tears and he chokes back a sob. 

Sam startles when Jack leans forwards and wraps his arms around Sam,clinging onto to the back of his shirt like a lifeline. Sam holds Jack as he cries against his chest. He's silent, allowing Jack to cry because he needs to. 

“I-I'm so _sorry,_ ” Jack mumbles against Sam’s chest, Sam shushes hm and tells him it’s okay. Jack pulls back from the hug. His face is red and streaked with tears. 

Jack’s eyes are still a mess. Sam reaches for a paper towel, the closest thing to a tissue, and Jack takes it gently.

“Thank you,” He wipes the tears striking down his face. He sits down at the table and sniffles as he tries to calm down more.

“Jack, if you ever do feel like that again, let you want to hurt yourself, or you even feel frustrated you can come talk to me,” Sam says Jack nods, “I will I promise,” Jack says sternly. 

Sam knows it’s not going to be an easy fix but he’s relieved at least he knows about it now and Jack now he’s can be more honest. Sam takes a deep breath to calm himself and Jack’s stomach gurgles and he looks up in embarrassment. 

“What do you say I make something for breakfast?” Sam says with a kind smile. 

Jack sniffles again but he finally does smile, “I’m more hungry now,” He says and Sam chuckles. 

After some scavenging Sam manages to get a decent breakfast together. He’s cutting up fruit and Jack begins to make toast for himself. Jack grabs honey from the cupboard and peanut butter as well and spreads them both on two slices of bread before putting them on top of one another to make a sandwich. Sam raises a curious eyebrow.

“I tried it once when we were out of jam and I like it,” Jack smiles brightly, “I really like honey,”Sam beams at Jack’s bright smile. 

Sam finishes cooking, some bacon for himself, Jack eating his peanut butter and honey sandwich happily. 

Jack finishes then he looks confused before hesitantly, he’s only finished half his sandwich but he gets up and goes towards the direction of, “Thank you Sam,” Jack says softly.

Sam smiles as Jack leaves, “You’re welcome Jack,” Sam says, Jack grins one last time before walks back towards his room. 

Sam smiles to himself. His heart is still racing but he's glad he's at least talked to Jack. It's not going to be an easy fix but there out of the eye of the storm - or at least for now he hopes so. 

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is the final chapter! I wasn't sure if I was completely happy with how it turned out so I edited it for a bit longer than I expected to!
> 
>  
> 
> [The ending was inspired by another adorable art of Jack wings manifesting when he's anxious by sealionfoam ❤](https://sealionsam.tumblr.com/post/182103647844/hello-yes-jacks-wings-manifesting-when-hes-in)

Jack brushed his teeth and looked in the old and dusty mirror. He stared into his tired eyes and frowned. He was not used to sleeping like humans did yet.

Sam had said humans slept for almost eight hours and that seemed like ages to Jack. How did people stay asleep for so long? 

Jack finished getting dressed and headed to the kitchen. Today was his third appointment with Mia. Since the incident in the kitchen they'd all spoken with each other, Castiel's eyes were piercing blue and heartbreaking all the same. 

Jack had burst into tears and wrapped his father into a tight embrace. Castiel hugged back, his grip on Jack's shirt tight and Jack cried into the comforting shoulder of his father's trench coat. Jack's heart felt empty and guilty and Sam hugged him shortly after and tears filling his hazel eyes too. He hated to see his family cry.

"I _promise_ I won't do it again," Jack had said with his own eyes full of tears.His chest huffed from crying as he wiped his eyes with sleeve of his jacket. Both Sam and Castiel had given him soft and warm smiles and comforting words

Jack liked Mia, he didn't have to hide from her. Even when he talked about how he felt with Sam or Castiel he felt reserved somehow. They would worry and he didn't want to them to. Mia was kind and warm to him. She'd even talked to Jack on how to calm himself when he was having feeling like he was going to panic. Jack was even able to talk about his mother too and Jack wiped the tears from his eyes as he talked about being a disappointment and possibly ending up being evil. 

Jack felt okay to talk about hurting himself with Mia too, she was comforting and understanding. Mia helped to him to get him out of those spirals, but Jack feels horrible for being so hard to deal with. 

Their sessions are an hour or so (Mia often lets him go over their time and Jack was grateful for that). Her practice was only a two hours from the bunker, now that she had to move her practice because of what happened with Buddy. 

Jack left today’s appointment feeling good. This feeling was unusual...nice and peaceful. Castiel pulled up in car with Sam in the passenger seat. 

“How was it?” Sam asked Jack as he climbed in the car. 

“Good! I feel... _good_.” Jack said as he buckled himself in. Sam chuckled at that and he could spot Castiel’s smile in the rearview mirror. 

Somehow the Michael and the end of the world, all those dark and bad feelings seemed...distant. He liked this feeling and he hoped it would last. 

Jack was tired that he went straight to bed after dinner and his dreams were peaceful and calming for the first time in a long time. 

***

The next morning, Jack wandered in the kitchen. It had been another night where he was unable to sleep. Sam said his sleeping habits would improve with time, his body wasn’t used to it yet. 

Jack woke early often and usually he couldn’t fall asleep again. Jack doesn't mind the lonely mornings, if anything they remind him of the solemn and rare quiet mornings are somehow just as relaxing.

Sam had introduced him to tea, coffee had made him too jittery and it didn't help with his sleep problems. But the tea was comforting and warm and plus he could add a lot of sugar to make it taste a little better. 

Jack’s senses had been…..off since he lost his grace. Everything had been _too much_ before.Castiel had said he’d felt similar when he lost his grace. Certain textures were more intense and uncomfortable. Smells were different too and far more muted than when he had his powers. 

The biggest difference was his sense of taste, by far. Most foods were bland and tasted like nothingness in his mouth so he always preferred sweet things. Especially _a lot_ of sugar. He really liked sweet

Jack stirred the honey lemon as sat down at the table alone. It was comforting and the warm tea warmed his body too. This flavour was his favourite 

Castiel walked into in the kitchen then and smiled at Jack, "How was the morning Jack?" Castiel said. He was carrying a grocery bag. Jack knew his father didn't sleep too, it was comforting to have someone who could relate to his struggles.

"I am doing well, I slept better than usual," Jack said happily. Castiel smiled at that. 

Castiel began to prepare breakfast for them both and soon Sam joined them both in the kitchen. He yawned and turned on the coffee machine and smiled at both Castiel and Jack.

Jack loved moments like these, even with the weight of finding Dean and stopping Michael on all their shoulders These moments were bright and happy and Jack hadn't had many of those in the past year. 

The kitchen was filled with the smell of bacon and Jack got to make himself toast and waited patiently as he grabbed the jam.

Castiel got himself a plate as Jack sat down with his toast and Jack grabbed of bacon, which made both Sam and Castiel chuckle softly. Before pouring maple syrup on top of the entire pile.

"Hungry?" Sam said sipping his coffee, Jack nodded enthustiantly with his mouth already full.

He was slowly getting used to hunger and tastes, though they were weird sometimes. Sometimes certain tastes were too much and often he needed to mix foods together to get them to taste _right._

Sam cleared his throat, "I think we should run errands today,"

"Why today?" Castiel said, Jack was curious too. He knew they needed to keep Michael as top priority. 

Sam bit into a piece of bacon "I don't know, we haven't been out on a while and Michael's been mia with no leads. I think we need a break,"

"I like that idea," Jack said with a smile, he really liked to tag along on car rides and shopping was enjoyable and it helped to take his mind off things.

Sam and Castiel both grinned at that, "Okay we'll leave after breakfast," Castiel declared. Jack grinned as he finished his breakfast and tea. He was already looking forward to the day.

***

The shower was therapeutic and after so long in a world where showers were nonexistent they felt nice. Jack walked out of shower and dressed in his jeans and shirt, and headed back to his room. 

Jack closed his bedroom door and began to get dressed when his hand brushed the pale skin, now covered in purplish and yellowish bruises. He just stared at the myriad of colour and poked at the skin and winced at the sharp pain.

It felt _great .._ and comforting and familiar and suddenly the rush of pain felt relieving. He'd been doing so well but now he felt that feeling again.

Jack stared at his reflection, his soaked brown hair and his sad blue eyes. The memories came rushing back as he saw his eyes glow gold and he remembered sending a surge of angelic energy and then people were hurt.

It was _his_ fault Michael had taken Dean. It was _his_ fault his mother was dead. Everything was always _his **fault.**_

He _hurt_ people, Jack's eyes grew wet as he crumbled on the floor and he began to cry. He didn't even notice how his cries had gotten so loud or that he was hurting himself again. 

His grace felt far away and he was scared to reach out to it and he cried as he felt it's distance. It felt...dimmer than usual, like a flickering light that was growing weaker unlike the brilliant flame it used to be.

Jack felt an emotional surge and suddenly he was surrounded by large golden wings. This happened during moments are extreme emotion, it felt like when he first used his powers. It was like a surge of energy he wasn't able to control. 

Jack clutched at his left wing and folded it over his crumpled body like a security blanket. They were so soft and gentle and brushing them felt soothing. 

The pain was sharp as he pulled a handful of feathers out. It stung sharply. . He grabbed a larger feather this time and yanked viciously as he ripped it free. He hated himself, he hated his wings 

Jack went to pull another feather from his wings the door burst open and he was met with the very worried eyes of both Sam and Castiel.

Jack looked away quickly, both of them stared in awe at his shaking form. Jack tried to hide in embarrassment but it was useless. 

Castiel reached out put a hand on his shoulder while Sam stood in the doorway looking lost for several seconds, as he looked at Jack’s gold wings and the pile of feathers on the floor. 

Jack could barely mumble through the sobs, "I….didn't know I just felt bad and I don't know why this happened, I'm sorry...I'm sorry.” 

"You don't have to be embarrassed or sorry, Jack,” Castiel said. 

Sam nodded as well, "Sometimes you'll make mistakes but recovery isn't easy and it certainly doesn't make you weak.”

"...or a bad person," Castiel added, Jack nodded through tears .

"I don't know why these things...keep happening." Sometimes I look places or think things and suddenly I am scared and alone again and I want to do it again and it feels right" 

Jack wiped the tears from his eyes as he sniffled, “Even with therapy I can’t get better!” Jack yelled as he pulled at his wings again. Castiel’s hand came to rest on his clenched fist before he could pull out anymore feathers. 

Sam spoke softly, “Jack, you’re doing very well, I know how tough it is. You’re coping and mistakes can and will happen, it doesn’t make you a bad person.” Jack nodded and sniffled, Sam’s words warming his heart and grounding him. 

Castiel sat down and Sam pulled him into a hug and clung to Sam's shoulder cried into his shoulder as Sam whispered comforting words to him.

"Jack, you'll be okay, you have us,” as Sam said. You'll get better, it just takes time, but it will happen, I promise.” Jack nodded again, his chest felt weird from crying and he didn’t like it. 

“We love you Jack,” Sam said, “and we care about you. We’ll help you through this,” Jack looked into Sam’s hazel and then Castiel’s blue eyes. They were warm and kind, although they held a sadness he didn’t quite understand. 

“Thank you...and I love you too,” Jack muttered, and Sam wrapped his arms around him.

Castiel embraced him as Jack wrapped his arms around the angel and Sam did the same. Jack’s chest felt funny as sniffled from crying. He embraced both of his fathers and wrapped his wings around their shoulders.

Jack sniffled again, “Can we still go shopping?” his voice sounded so wrong to him, he cleared his throat. Both Castiel and Sam gave him warm smiles, though their eyes still held sadness and concern.

“Maybe tomorrow,” Sam said, “You should rest, I think we all need a bit of a mental health day,” Jack nodded, As much as he wanted to go shopping, right now he just wanted to stay in his room and watch things he enjoyed. 

They would go shopping and _they would find Michael,_ Jack reassured himself, he had today to relax and give his mind a break, Mia had told him it would be helpful to not stress himself. Hopefully, more therapy and more talking would help him to cope better and he hoped that he could heal. 

He didn’t want to hurt himself, he knew it now it only made him hurt _more_. H wanted to get better, for himself and for his family. And he will.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started as just a ficlet based on 13.23 and ended up becoming a story I really enjoyed writing and I'm glad everyone else has liked it as well ❤
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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